Why Tantrums Happen

Why Tantrums Happen

Toddlers aren’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time. When big emotions (frustration, overwhelm, exhaustion) flood their tiny bodies, they lack the brain development to self-regulate. This often leads to physical outbursts. They might hit, throw objects, or kick. This is their attempt to desperately try to express what words can’t.

Key Insight: Behavior is communication. A child who throws blocks isn’t “bad." They’re saying, “I’m upset and don’t know how to cope!”

Safety First: When to Physically Intervene

If a child is:

• Throwing objects

• Hitting/kicking others or themselves

• Running into danger (e.g., streets, sharp corners)

You must act. Gently but firmly:

1. Contain: Pick them up or hold their hands, saying “I won’t let you throw/hit.”

2. Remove: Carry them away from the trigger (e.g., blocks, stairs).

3. Anchor: Sit with them in a safe space until their body calms.

Why This Works:

• Prevents harm while teaching boundaries

• Your calm presence co-regulates their nervous system

• Models that big feelings are okay, but unsafe actions aren’t

The Script: What to Say (and Do)

In the Moment:

1. Name the emotion:
   “You’re SO mad right now. It’s okay to feel mad.”

2. Set the limit:
   “I won’t let you throw blocks. That could hurt someone.”

3. Offer an outlet:
   “Let’s squeeze this stuffed animal instead.” (Give a safe physical release)

After the Storm:

1. Reconnect:
   “That was really hard. I’m here.” (Hug if they accept)

2. Problem-solve:
   “Next time you’re mad, you can stomp your feet or say, ‘I’m MAD!’”

Why Physical Intervention Is Kind (Not Mean)

Holding a flailing child isn’t punishment but rather protection. You’re their prefrontal cortex in that moment, keeping them safe until their brain catches up.

Remember:

• Stay calm: Your regulated nervous system helps theirs settle.

• Avoid lectures: Save teaching for when they’re calm.

• It’s temporary: With consistency, they’ll learn better ways to cope.

When to Seek Help

If tantrums:

• Last over 20 minutes regularly

• Include self-harm (head-banging, biting)

• Occur 10+ times/day

Consult a pediatrician or child therapist to rule out underlying needs.